The Sound of His Life (Day 18)

Wednesday, October 19,2011
Day 18


Today was "holding day" for all the children...


But first, Jason and I went into Hazaiah's little room by ourselves. Not more than a minute had passed before the nurse came in. Still no bowel movement- still desatting and needing to be bagged. She was a good nurse to him: taking care of him and talking to him in tones that showed she cared. Her movements and mannerisms reminded me of how she would take care of her own grandchildren...
The doctor came in then, and asked if we had a chance to talk through the night...?
We told her we had, and that we would remove the ventilator as soon as we could all have our own times with him. She seemed a little relieved, and began to discuss all that they want to do to help us through this. Since Hazaiah gets stressed with any movements, she suggested staggering the holding times into different parts of the day, so that he could handle it better. -perhaps two children today, one tonight, and two tomorrow?
Soon, the NICU coordinator came in and talked to us about how everything would happen.
We decided to let all of the children hold him in this room, so that he could stay attached to the ventilator, and they would allow us to all be together for each turn (normally only 2 at a bedside). Then tomorrow, Jason and I could give him a bath together, and we could dress him in his own little clothes and wrap him in his own little blanket, and carry him to a private room with more seating. (It's actually a patient room.) There they would remove the ventilator... There were many other things to talk about- all those details that go along with these times. They seem so unfitting when our baby is laying right before us, and we just want to hold him and snuggle him... But it was all needful...


After all was discussed, we were left alone with our little boy. He was still in his big boy crib- all swaddled up with only his head poking out. We talked to him like that for a while, but then I decided I would rewrap him with his little hands up by his face like he likes it. -He always puts his little hands up, always in the ultrasounds, and since he's been born. He has even put his fingers in his mouth a few times...:) Also, this way I could hold his hands again... So I wrapped him up, held his hands with my fingers, and watched him some more. He seemed more listless- not moving as much, not opening his eyes... Finally he did stretch a little, and then relaxed again. Our baby seemed so tired...
The nurse came in for her "touch time" and I had just pumped so I got to give him fresh milk again.:) She needed his diaper changed, so Jason got to do it for the first time. He did a great job, and looked like he was having so much fun talking to him through it all...


The children came then, for the first two to hold him. I had texted them and told them to figure out themselves who was going to go first. So Skye and Noah were ready...
Hazaiah did so well during Skye's turn- and she thoroughly enjoyed it.:) It was so sweet to see her finally holding her baby brother... After about 20 minutes, it was Noah's turn. Here was Noah holding his only brother- and Hazaiah being held by his only brother... I'm still getting use to saying I have 2 boys now.:) Hazaiah did desat a couple times with Noah, and the nurse had to suction him while he was holding him. We gave Noah a little extra time since his visiting was interrupted... We had thought to let Modesty have her turn  too, if the baby was doing OK; but after the two desats we decided to just wait til the evening...


We went back to the RMH to eat supper and rest a little before the night visit...
When we went back that evening, Hazaiah's favorite nighttime nurse "P" was there.:) She was the one that said Hazaiah looks like he could be one of her little boys, and she seems to care for him just like he was...:) We asked how he was doing, and she looked a little sad as she told us about his desatting time, and how his blood pressure had dropped significantly, along with his heart rate. By the way she looked at us and spoke to us, we could tell it was something serious...
"Oh dear," we said, "Do you think he will at least make it through the night?"
"I just don't know..." she said.


We let Modesty hold him then, and the nurses decided to put his oxygen up, hoping that would keep him from desatting during this time. But after a little bit, the numbers started declining anyway, so they put his oxygen up to 100%. He did good then, keeping the oxygen saturation up in the 90's...
Since he was doing so well with it, we decided to let the older girls have their turn to hold him tonight, instead of waiting until tomorrow. Hazaiah did so well with all of them holding him, and it was so nice to see his sisters finally be able to feel their baby brother in their arms- they've only gotten to touch his head a little, or rub his leg, or hold his little hands...
The nurse saw the girls with their cameras and offered to take a few family pictures before we put him back. So mama got to hold him again, with daddy right next to him, and everyone gathered around... It was way past visiting hours for the children, so after all the holding and pictures, they said their "Goodnights" to the baby, and then went out in the waiting room to wait...
I was still holding him, and Jason and I were enjoying this time together. I asked Jason if he wanted to get the nurse to help put the baby back down, but he said, "Well they'll come back on their own after a while, you just hold him til they come..."
So I did.:) I snuggled him close and talked to him- telling him to have a good night and rest well and to please try to hold on until the morning and we would be back to see him then...
When we left, the nurse assured us that she would call right away if anything changed; and we told her we could be all the way back here in just ten minutes after she called.
We turned off his little lights and left; Hazaiah was sleeping comfortably, and all the numbers on the monitors looked good...